Sick Humor
by Mrs.HHr
Summary: Experience a new twist to the Fem!Harry story. This is the story of Gemma Potter, the Anti-Golden Girl of Gryffindor.


Some people would feel bad for inducing their Uncle's heart attack but the only emotion I could drudge up was humor. The reddening of his face and the gasping for air was pretty fucking hilarious and it probably didn't help the situation when I fell down laughing instead of calling the paramedics like I was supposed to. Honestly I couldn't care less if the fat ass whale died but I suppose that since I caused it in the first face the least I could do was call the hospital and hope he dies on the way there. I didn't finish my chores on time and when he had advanced on me I had lengthened my teeth to look like fangs which I had discovered I could do years ago, when he came into the kitchen I was holding a bloody lump of meat and had smiled, showing bloody looking teeth; It was really ketchup and a pack of beef but I don't think Vernon appreciated the joke. Petunia and Dudley rode with the ambulance and in the commotion they forgot to dump me somewhere so I was finally in this dump alone. As soon as the ambulance pulled away and disappeared around the corner, my composer cracked and I clutched my side as I laughed, something told me I had a sick sense of humor but I really couldn't bring myself to care. This was really a wonderful way to spend my eleventh birthday, but it was about to get better.

I pulled down the left shoulder of my shirt and put a finger on the strange tattoo there, it had appeared one day and I had no idea what it stood for. What I did know was that when I touched it with my right thumb, it glowed and I somehow turned into a jet black wolf. The first time I did that I almost passed out, then I shrugged and moved on, I wasn't really one to get all freaked out, to me it was just another strange thing that always happened around me. Like the time I grew my hair out real long, Petunia got jealous and cut it to almost a buzz cut, she told me I didn't deserve to look like a girl since no boy would ever want me anyway. I knew that wasn't true since I saw the way older men on the street looked at me. Anyway, the next morning it had grown back completely.

The glow grew brighter and I was now a black wolf, sleek and rather tall but easily able to blend in. I took off through the neighboring backyards until I came to the back entrance into the forest the surrounds the park; I ran as fast as I could through the trees because this is what I loved most; the wind ripping through my fur, dodging trees and brushes, snapping twigs under my paws. This was the way I wanted to end my birthday; I slowed down on the way back to the Dursleys, wanting to savor the last bit of freedom. The trek back seemed shorter than I had hoped for and when I changed back and walked toward Number Four, I didn't see the car in the driveway. I unlocked the door with the spare key under the welcome mat and stepped on a pile of mail, which was late for a Friday; I shifted through it and paused at the envelope with my name on it:

Gemma Potter

Number 4 Privet Drive

Cupboard under the Stairs

Surrey

It had a weird crest on it, I ripped it open as I walked toward the kitchen, before reading it I made a large sandwich and right before I took a bite, I read the letter inside.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL  
>of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY<p>

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
>(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,<br>Supreme Mugwump, and International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
>Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.<p>

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall  
>Deputy Headmistress<p>

The second page with requirements says:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL  
>of WHICHCRAFT and WIZARDRY<p>

UNIFORM  
>First-year students will require:<br>sets of plain work robes (black)  
>plain pointed hat (black) for day wear<br>pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)  
>winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings)<br>Please note that all pupil's clothes should carry name tags.

COURSE BOOKS  
>All students should have a copy of each of the following:<p>

The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1)  
>by Miranda Goshawk<p>

A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot

Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling

A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi  
>by Phyllida Spore<p>

Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them  
>by Newt Scamander<p>

The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection  
>by Quentin Trimble<p>

OTHER EQUIPMENT

1 wand  
>1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)<br>1 set glass or crystal phials  
>1 telescope<br>1 set brass scales

Students may also bring and owl OR a cat OR a toad.

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS

I simply raised an eyebrow, it would explain the stuff that happened around me, it was magic; so I was a witch huh, and that would be interesting. I grabbed a stray pen off the counter and jotted down an acceptance on the back and asked for directions to the magical shopping center, as soon as I pondered how to deliver it, a large brown owl fluttered through the open window and stuck out a leg, I didn't even bother to raise an eyebrow, I just attached it and it flew off. It was getting late and I was tired, I doubt the Dursleys will return tonight and even if they did I don't care what they say or do anymore, now that I know for a fact that I'm not a freak, I'm doing things my way. I walked past my cupboard and headed up the stairs to the guest room which was fully furnished; I opened the window then settled down in bed and instantly fell asleep.

The next morning I was awoken by something pecking my face, I opened my eyes and saw the same brown owl from yesterday. I sat up and took the letter from its leg and it flew away, I shrugged and looked around. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to do my business, when I was done I looked in the mirror, my messy black hair trailed down my back and past my bum; I contemplated cutting it but decided against it. I had always loved my green eyes because aunt petunia had mentioned that they were exactly like my mum's, well not in kind words exactly but the message was clear. I hated my glasses and wondered if there was a potion to fix that, it would help, my skin was pale but at least I didn't get pimples; also I hated how my ribs showed some, maybe they had something to help me grow appropriately. I glared in disgust at those rags they called clothes, I will definitely be buying new clothes, even if I had to steal money from the Dursleys.

I decided to get ready, it was around seven so it was still pretty early, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and really tried to tame my hair but ended up with my bangs in my face and the rest no better, but it looked messy in a controlled sort of way, I liked it. I put on my least disgusting clothes and finally opened the letter I had gotten earlier. It was a letter that explained how to get to Diagon Alley and Platform 9 ¾; it also contained the key to my vault and how to ask about my other vaults. So my parents left me a fortune, yay for me. I walked downstairs and decided to get breakfast while I was out but not before filching fifty pounds from aunt petunia's purse.

I took the bus downtown and ate breakfast in a small café near where the entrance to Diagon Alley was; when I was done I paid and walked the last two blocks until I came to the Leaky Cauldron. I entered and walked straight up to the bartender. "I need to get into the alley." The man nodded and I followed him into the back alleyway, he tapped the bricks with his wand and an archway opened up. I thanked the man and stepped through the arch and looked around, "eh, I've seen weirder." Which was true; I walked to the building that was mentioned in the letter, Gringotts.

Upon entering I asked one of the tellers for a Gringotts card and after confirming my identity, he handed me one. I knew that if I did find a potion that helped me grow I would grow out of any clothes I bought now so I will save the clothes shopping for later. First, I got a three compartment trunk with some wicked security features; I almost wanted the Dursleys to try to steal something just to test them out. For the next two hours I wandered around the alley getting my school supplies and a few extras until I only had three things to get, my school books, my wand, and the potions.

I went to the bookstore, Flourish and Blotts, because it was nearest. While inside I decided to get the books for every year all the way up to seventh and even some Auror books, whatever that was. I also got a few extras like _How to manipulate _and _101 ways to get revenge _and last but not least, _101 ways to ruin someone's life._ The clerk raised an eyebrow at the sight of all those books but since he was getting paid by commission he let it go; I put them all in the second compartment of my trunk and said the password to lock and shrink it. I walked up the street to Ollivander and almost choked on the amount of dust in there; I always had good senses which I think came from the whole wolf transformation so I immediately sensed Ollivander in the dark corner.

"Can you quit with the dramatics and help me find a bloody wand." I said, an old man with silver eyes that matched his hair came forward, he looked put out that he couldn't scare me like everyone else.

"Gemma Potter, it seems like only yesterday your parents were in here to get their own wands." I blocked him out as he prattled on about my parents, sure I loved them but they were dead and there was no reason to dwell or obsess over it, besides I never felt a connection to them in any way. It was then that I noticed the tape measure flying around me measuring various parts of my body; I knocked it away when it started to measure my almost nonexistent boobs. Ollivander began stacking long boxes on the counter and handed me the first wand, he snatched it away when it set the shelf beside me on fire, I wanted it but he said it wasn't 'the right one.'

This continued until we came to the very last wand in the entire shop, I grabbed it and once again the chair behind me blew up, this was the fifth time I got that reaction. Ollivander seemed traumatized that he couldn't find me a wand.

"I'm terribly sorry Miss Potter but it seems that none of my wands are compatible with your magic, I don't craft wands as that is a lost art but maybe.." he trailed off, I rolled my eyes, this guy really loved dramatics.

"Maybe what" I asked.

"There is another wand shop but it is in Knockturn Alley, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sending you in there alone." He said, I snorted; I can take care of myself.

"That's fine, I can take care of myself and I need to get some things from there anyway." I waved as I left the store. I walked in silence to Knockturn Alley and paused at the entrance; I brushed away my miniscule apprehension and walked into the alley. I didn't notice it right then but I was projecting a dark aura that repelled anyone that might've approached me, I wandered down the alley and in the corner of my eye I see the sign that said 'Wands and Staffs'.

I walked into the surprisingly clean shop and walked up to the counter, a man appeared, like from thin air, but this was the magic world so I let it go.

"Ah, Gemma Potter, what is the Girl-Who-Lived doing in my humble shop?" The man said, I noticed his fangs, sweet I just met my first vampire.

"Ollivander couldn't find me a wand so I came here. And what the hell is up with everyone knowing my name and what the fuck is the Girl-Who-Lived?" I was annoyed and the dark aura around me got thicker, it was at this moment that I noticed what I was doing and somehow pulled it back in. The vampire looked grateful as the aura was choking him into submission, which would come in handy.

"You really don't know?" I shook my head, the vampire sighed.

"Alright, let's find you a wand and then I'll tell you okay?" he offered, I nodded.

"Alright, now close your eyes and reach out with your magic, you should feel a tug, follow it and touch whatever attracts you." He instructed, I was apprehensive about closing my eyes around a man vampire but did so anyway. I pushed out my magic instinctively and felt two tugs; I followed them until I felt that they were right next to me. I opened my eyes, in front of me was the far wall of the shop, strapped to the wall was a rather tall staff and what looked like a matching wand. I reached out and pulled them both from the wall, as soon as I touched them it felt like my magic was singing. Unknown to me my dark aura spread out full blast and the vampire was unwillingly kneeling behind me. I turned around and saw him; it looked like he was struggling with himself.

"Miss Potter can you please control your aura." He choked out; I grimaced and pulled it back in again.

"What just happened and these two feel right." He walked back behind the counter and sat in the stool there. After taking a few deep breaths he got up and handed me a book on wand and staff care and wand polish; next, he handed me a wand holster and the thing that straps the staff to my back. I paid for it all and he gestured for me to sit in the second stool beside him.

"First your aura, I've only encountered it one time and that was from Shadow Asesino, he is Head of the Asesino Clan, they are a clan of half-people half wolf, not like werewolves. These people can change willingly, they are all marked with a strange tattoo, girls on their shoulders, boys on their back. I had worked with him for a year gathering wand cores; he had the very same aura, the poor man was travelling, looking for his kidnapped daughter, she was taken when she was a few months old, she's the heir to the Asesino throne." The vampire was eying me curiously, I knew my life was about to get interesting, especially if I was this lost daughter or even just part of this clan., after all I had the tattoo, I need to research this.

"Now, the Girl-Who-Lived," he told me the story and I listened carefully, but the whole story sounded off. Oh I knew he was telling me what he knew but the story itself sounded fishy to me, and if these idiots in this world expected me to be some sun-shiny Golden Girl, well they were gonna be disappointed.

"That is the stupidest thing I ever heard, but thanks for telling me anyway." This guy was a mine of information and he wasn't so bad, plus he would be able to help me track down this Shadow person, I had an idea.

"Do you need an assistant? I'd rather not go back to my relatives for the rest of the summer, it would give me something to do, and I would get some extra money, not that I need it though." He looked thoughtful then nodded.

"Alright, you can work here four times a week and I'll pay you twenty galleons a week, there is a flat upstairs but if you're not comfortable here there's an inn in Diagon Alley, the Leaky Cauldron." Great, this was working out and I get to stay in the magic world.

"No offense but I'll stay in the Leaky, anyway is there a place where I can get some potions?"

"It depends on what kind of potions you need."

"A potion to fix my eyesight and something to help me grow to where I should be," I answered. "Oh, for those you can just go to the potions store two shops down on the right, it's called Fox's Potions, the title sucks I know, but they have the best quality potions, tell them DeMarco sent you so Fox doesn't think your some Ministry spy." I nodded. Before I left, I strapped my wand to my left forearm and strapped my staff to my back; I left the store and walked to the second shop on the right and sure enough the sign said Fox's Potions. I went in and walked up to the counter, the guy behind the counter had strange amber eyes that watched me suspiciously, until I told him DeMarco sent me, then they lit up and he smiled.

"Hi, I'm Fox, my dad owns the place but I work for him. What can I help you with…?" Fox said.

"Gemma, and I need a potion to fix my eyesight and something to counteract malnourishment, you got that?" I said; he nodded and walked over to a shelf that was stuffed with potions; he examined the labels then pulled two vials off the shelf.

"Now I'm assuming you want to use the potions that will fix everything overnight instead of the long-term plan right?" I nodded.

"great, now make sure you eat a big dinner so the nutrient potion has something to work with; right before you go to sleep drink the red potion first and then the green one, it'll ache a little in your eyes and body but it shouldn't hurt." He handed me the potions and I paid for them.

"Tell me how they work for you after you use them, if you can." He said. "Well I start working as an assistant for DeMarco in a few days so I'll stop by soon." I said, he smiled, and I left, that guy was pretty cool.

Now that I had the potion I could go clothes shopping tomorrow, I had nothing else to do so I decided to go rent a room at the Leaky for the rest of the summer. As I walked toward the entrance to the alley I saw a man about to approach me, I wasn't scared but I didn't feel like kicking some pervert's arse so I consciously spread my dark aura, he started choking and scurried away. As I exited the alley I pulled the aura back in and walked to the Leaky Cauldron, I was for once lucky that my messy black bangs covered a majority of my face so no one could recognize me as Gemma Potter.

"Hello Miss, what can I do for you today, by the way I'm Tom." I shook his hand, "I need a room for the rest of the summer and some lunch for now." He nodded and disappeared into what I assumed was the kitchen after giving me the key to room 13. I walked up the stairs and looked at the numbers on the doors on either side of the hall until I came to 13; I unlocked the door and walked in. It wasn't bad actually, it was clean enough and it had decent furniture.

I pulled my trunk from my pocket and said the password to enlarge it, I opened it and just looked at the contents in the first compartment. I had nothing to do so I pulled out the first year Potions book, I lied down on the bed and was soon so absorbed in the book that I jumped when Tom knocked on my door to give me my lunch, I took it from him and gave him a tip then closed and locked the door.

I ate the shepherd's pie which was delicious and read the book; it was slightly interesting and very useful. I always read very quickly so I finished that book in an hour, it was about 11 o'clock in the morning so I read all of my first year textbooks twice; finally I ate dinner in the pub area. After dinner I came back upstairs and tried out the locking spell I had just learned, it worked and I crawled into the bed, I opened the red potion which was the nutrient potion and downed it. It was terribly disgusting and then did the same for the green eyesight potion, which tasted strangely of mint. I was tired after a really long day and pulled the covers up to my chin, I instantly fell asleep.

I dreamed about finding Shadow and belonging to a family for once, I felt strange warmth in my stomach for the first time and I kinda liked it.


End file.
